What a failed and horrible night. I hated most of the evening. I was so miserable. I ended up being the sad drunk who cries at the end of the bloody party. Why? Because I realise that I get along with everyone one on one, but in a group I simply don't belong. It is not the first time I feel that way about my company. All the girls have their group of friends, and although I try to join in the fun as I would when I go to customers' parties, I find myself being excluded. I am taller than all the girls so I always end up in the back of the group pictures as well. I don't get their sense of humour either.
I got upset in the bus when my colleague kicked my drink off my hands which spilled on her dress and she started screaming at me. I was stunned by this rudeness and just went to the front of the bus looking forward to arriving at the party where my friends (Martin, Nick, Ron, Rudiger, etc) were... or so I thought.
When these guys saw the swarm of pretty girls they paid me no attention. and I realised that I am only popular when I am one of the three girls of a party of 15. Even Martin was dirty dancing with some of the girls. But Ron did invite me to rock'n'roll, which is always fun. And I did have a pleasant dinner with Ingvar, Brian, Steve and Rudiger. I felt so heartbroken though. I spend so much time with these guys I thought I knew them and I thought we were friends, but they are just men!
The only satisfaction I have is that they do not pay me attention because I am one of the lads, they have enough respect for me not to hit on me. That also means I am the ugly duckling. I am possibly the smartest woman in the office along with Jane and I am well respected, but realising that you don't really have friends either on the guys or girls, it hurts. Of course Julie and Ann, even Carrina came to look after me. Ingvar went on and on about how brilliant I was at my job and I was one in a million. Martin sat me down later to explain how boys will be boys. Sarah also checked on me but she is the one girl in the office who does not like me. I'm not sure why she doesn't but every time I try to break the ice, she ignores me. I could not care less under normal circumstances. Last night, I'm the one who rejected her. I told her I'd be happy to tell her what's on my mind if she was my friend, but she's not.
Overall it was not a bad night because I had a good time with the bosses, but it had such a bad start and ending to the evening. At least in vienna if this happens again I can leave the party, I am not stranded in a place I don't like with a bad frame of mind.
I think it is time for me to learn about self preservation. I must protect my feelings from situation like these. If I am not going to learn and accept that friendships are just superficial then I am not going to be friends with anyone in the work place anymore so that I won't care when they forget my existence.